Play, A Lost Art

Welcome to the New Year. Honestly have had a bit of writer’s block over the past few months, ok more than a few, months. I finally found the topic to get me writing again. PLAY or, rather, the lack of it in our children’s and our own lives!

Our kids are living in very structured worlds where they go to swim lessons, soccer practice, piano lessons, and after-school math tutors. Whew! I remember heading out the door after school when the only rule in our Brooklyn neighborhood was to be back by dinnertime. I know times are different today but I do think that we, as parents, are over-reacting and over-structuring our kids.  As a kid, when we played basketball, there were no coaches, no time clock, and no audience of parents to assess our performance. We played shirts and skins. When one game was over, if no one was waiting on the sideline to join the next game, we'd reshuffle the teams,  re-balance the game and start anew.

Swimming Lessons Do Not Increase Drowning Risk in Young Children - National Institutes of Health

FINALLY, we are beginning to have some research that supports what many of us in the Learn to Swim world have believed for years. Swim Lessons do impact a child's behavior and are a factor in the fight against children drowning. The National Institutes of Health have released a study that states:

"Providing very young children with swimming lessons appears to have a protective effect against drowning and does not increase childrens' risk of drowning"

BE vs BECOME

Do you want to just BE or are you ready to do the work to BECOME?

I was at a swim school conference a few weeks ago and one of the speakers, I believe it was John Chappelear, author of The Daily Six, who asked the above question. His point was that many people in our society today want to BE someone or something. They do necessarily want to do the work to BECOME that someone. If you google the phrase "10,000 hours of practice", you get an abundance of articles that highlight the theory that to become the best at something you need to practice that skill for 10,000 hours.

Occasionally I see a frustration in parents of young athletes that their child is not excelling or improving at the same rate as other children in the group. I wonder what their child does away from the practice fields or basketball courts or swimming pool. I am certainly not advocating for a one dimensional focus on athletics or academics. I grew up playing basketball, baseball and swimming. Multi-sport training is great for developing the well rounded athlete. But what I am suggesting is that athletic performance or even academic performance will be enhanced by more practice. And as parents, we need to occasionally tell our children that they are losing games or not getting picked for teams because they, the child, are competing against kids or teams that have worked harder than they have to get to where they wanted to go.

I have spent thousands of hours on soccer fields watching our daughters play that great sport. Two of them excelled to such a degree that they received scholarships to play at a Division One university. Our youngest daughter has battled through shoulder surgery and a recently cracked tibial plateau from playing soccer limiting her ability to practice or play. What is her choice of television when she has some free time? An international soccer channel on our local cable outlet! At dinner, I get updates on English soccer teams, such as Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal. We sat down one Sunday a few weeks ago and instead of the NFL, we watched the NCAA Womens' Collegiate Soccer Championship between Notre Dame and the University of North Carolina. She wants to learn and get better. She reaches beyond practice to see how great players play. Now, I am waiting for the day, I am at a soccer game, after the competition is over, the referees and coaches are gone, the parents are drifting to their cars off and the girls from both teams get together and say

..... Let's play again, NOW!

No coaches, no referees, no parents, just them, their soccer ball, playing a game they love for fun.

Finally a quote that hangs on the wall in our office:

The fight is won or lost,
far away from witnesses.
It is won behind the lines in the gym and out there on the road,
Long before I dance under those lights.
Muhammad Ali

CPR Update

We promote water safety all of the time at our swim schools. Our primary focus has been sharing the message of the Safer 3 with our friends at the swim school and their families. One of components of the Safer 3 has been a Safer Response to learn CPR. Now amazing news from the Phoenix Fire Department.

Our local newspaper, The Arizona Republic is reporting that based upon a fire department study people are experiencing an almost 300% increase in lives saved by using the technique of continuous chest compressions.

The message is to "push hard, push fast and increase the chance of survival by circulating oxygenated blood to the victim's heart and brain." the article quotes Dr. Ben Bobrow, medical director of the Arizona Department of Health Services Bureau of Emergency Medicine Services and Trauma System citing a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association that reviewed 1,243 cases recorded by two of our valley's fire departments.

The Hands-only CPR encourages the average person to pump on the cardiac victim's chest 200 times every two minutes. Check out the American Heart Association web site that explains technique and also has a video demonstration.

According to the American Heart Association: Adults who suddenly collapse and are not responsive are likely to have sudden cardiac arrest and their chance of survival is nearly zero unless someone takes action immediately. You should call 911 and start giving hard and fast chest compressions in the center of the chest, with minimal interruptions. If sudden cardiac arrest is the cause of the collapse, Hands-Only CPR is an easy, effective way for any bystander to more than double the victim's chance for survival. If an adult has collapsed for reasons other than sudden cardiac arrest, Hands-Only CPR could still help by causing the person to respond (begin to move, breathe normally or speak). If that occurs, Hands-Only CPR can be stopped. Otherwise, chest compressions should continue until EMS providers arrive.

So if you are like some of my family members who freak out in trying to remember the old sequencing of chest compressions to breaths, this new recommendation is so simple. Just do the chest compressions and wait for the emergency responders.

Family Traditions -- Be Brave -- Establish Your Own

One of the things I marvel at every holiday season is how conflicted and exhausted parents of young families often become over where and how to spend their holiday time. There are the families that spend Thanksgiving with one set of parents and Christmas with another. Or even the families that spend half a day with each family driving hours and hours with tired crabby kids in order to not offend parents or relatives.

We had a young family and were living in Denver, Colorado in the 1980's. My family was from Brooklyn, NY and Kathy's was living in Arizona. Well, sometime in early October the phone calls started, inquiring where WE were going to spend Christmas. Obviously with three young children and a fourth on the way, our respective parents, brothers and sisters were anxious to see us. Lots of pressure. Beginning in the early days of our marriage, Kathy and I had established Thanksgiving as a day at our home, even though we lived in the same town as her family. We hosted what we called a waif's dinner, for her family if they choose to come and for friends who did not have family and had no where else to go. It became a strong tradition and a great opportunity to be with friends, relatives and an occasional newcomer who was dragged along by a friend. Best of all we got to stay home with our little ones and just hang out.

But now - we had moved all the way to Colorado! Obviously, judging from the phone calls from our respective families, they felt Christmas was an important time for family to reconnect. So building up our courage we called everyone and said, "we love you and will miss you but we are staying in Colorado and sneaking away to a condo in Vail". We told everyone they were always welcome to come visit with us. It turned out to be a great decision and a tradition that we carried on through the 1980's. Our families came to accept that we viewed this time as a chance to establish our own family traditions. They of course were always welcome. In fact, one year my entire family of six brothers and sisters along with my mom and dad came from all over the US to spend the holidays in Colorado. It was one of the most memorable times ever for everyone of us as we had 24 inches of snow on Christmas Eve and no one could go anywhere. We spent Christmas day in our driveway climbing to the top of our suburban and diving into the snow banks on our lawn. The photos were wonderful!

So today as you look ahead to the coming holiday season, be brave and think about establishing YOUR OWN FAMILY TRADITIONS.

Now, I will share one more weird tradition that we have in our family. In 1969 Arlo Guthrie, the son of the famed folk singer Woody Guthrie, wrote and performed a classic song, Alice' Restaurant. It is 18+ minutes long and describes the adventures of a group of friends at Thanksgiving. We have played that song in our home every Thanksgiving as Kathy prepares dinner for the past 34 years (and for those few Thanksgivings spent on the road at soccer tournaments we just brought the music along)!!!! And there was a tear in my eye, a few years ago when our kids called from Cincinnati to tell me that as they prepared their Thanksging meal they were playing it as well . Check it out If you live in Phoenix, radio sattion KDKB plays it at 9am, 12pm, 3 pm and 6pm each Thanksgiving.

Let us know some of your more unique family holiday traditions.

Plateaus Are Cool

Enjoy the plateau

It is an important step in a long process

A Plateau is defined as: a period or state of little or no growth or decline, a period of little or no apparent progress in an individual's learning, marked by an inability to increase speed, reduce number of errors, etc., and indicated by a horizontal stretch in a learning curve or graph.

As children progress though our swim lesson or sports camp programs or as I have watched our children play sports, there are times of no improvement in their skills. They simply are not getting any better in spite of the fact that they are putting in the effort. Many times parents express frustration with the program or coach, wondering why their child is suddenly not the leading scorer or is not involved or enthused on the playing field or in the pool.

I think plateaus are really times when our bodies or minds are asking for a little rest. It is a time to continue to work to perfect the skill or gain new strength and confidence without the pressure to perform at the highest level of competitiveness or competence. Why do I bring this up now? I find the fall/winter season to be one where a lot of plateauing (if that is a word) goes on in childrens' athletic and academic performance. Think about it. They have come out of the semi-lazy days of an all too short summer and are now engaged in schoolwork and routine. Up in the morning, early off to school or day-care, then to swim school lessons or music or dance or tumble bees or whatever and then homework, dark nights and even dark mornings. The kids are also on a bit of over-load with Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all roaring down the road one after the other.

Our oldest son was an awesome gymnast. We remember one time when one of his grade school teammates was going through a growth spurt. This poor guy was crashing all over the place on high bar, parrallel bars and pommels as he got used to working with the dynamics of longer legs and arms. We spoke with the coach and expressed a curiosty about his, the coach's, perception of the athlete's issues. Coach Mike gave a great answer. He said Jason needed to keep working through this tough period and as time went on he would develop the muscles he needed to help maintain his balance. Coach Mike worked with him mentally so that he would relax, endure and even enjoy this time when he was not expected to perform at his highest level. Jason continued to work hard and went on to compete at the collegiate level.

What would have happened if Jason's parents or even his coach were to have driven him harder to excel at this difficult time. He certainly may have felt discouraged enough to quit a sport he loved while his body was adapting. Research indicates that many children quit sports not because they do not excel at them but rather because the expectations of others (parents, coaches and even teammates) have taken the fun out of the sport. So my adivce today is: if your child is on a plateau, be patient. If the program or team or coach is a good one, trust the teacher or coach. Encourage your child but do not belabor or over-review a bad performance or game or practice. Do not ask why they kept missing that corner kick in soccer practice or the free throws in basketball or the right key in piano practice. The coach's job is to teach skills, encourage and challenge, that is why you are paying them. So let them do their job. Your job is to encourage your child to find their place in this world, wherever that may be.

Here is a little poem from an Australian swim instructor to help you:

The Plateau

Yesterday I swam so good,
I've always done just what I should,
But now I ask you let me be,
To play MY way, to set me free.
I'm full right up to the very brim,
of pull, kick, pull and swim, swim, swim.
Of lessons and drills I've had enough,
right now it all just seems too tough.
So please just let me be myself and
leave the new skills on the shelf.
I want to play my way for a while, and
when I'm ready you'll see me smile.
Please Mum don't make me be on show,
For now I'm on a learning plateau.
I don't know how long it might last, but
I'll swim again when it has passed.

Brana Williams, City of Gosnells Leisure

Relax You Will "Get There" Faster

How often do we pause in the middle of our busy days, check our watch and calculate the time til all our chores are done? Hurry up, Move it, I'm Late, Let's Go, I've Got A Lot To Do! What would happen if we perfectly planned our day, nothing happened to throw us off and we relaxed and enjoyed the moment as we pursued our activities? Studies show us that it would be an amazingly excellent day!

If your muscles are tense and working hard do you go faster? Here at the swim school we occasionally have to speak with parents who are concerned that their child has spent a significant portion of their class floating or practicing submersions. We believe in teaching comfort under water, floating and breath control before we add in propulsion. There is no point in swimming across the pool if a student gets there exhausted because they were holding their breath and just struggling to survive. They are working too hard. Tense muscles do not make them go faster!

These issues apply to life as well. When you are having a discussion that escalates to an argument do you notice that voices rise in volume, gestures get exaggerated and faces get red. People are so wound up, they stop breathing and cannot focus on the issue at hand. Wanna drive someone crazy in an argument (maybe your kids) work hard to keep your breathing calm, your voice soft and minimize your gestures and just focus on listening. Respond calmly and you will take control.

What does all of this have to do with swimming or athletics in general? The New York Times just recently quoted one of our favorite coaches, Rick DeMont, assistant head coach of the University of Arizona Men's 2008 NCAA Swimming Championship Team in a great article on the role of relaxation in life and sports. He is quoted as saying "It is a paradox of athletics. Tension is slow, tension is inefficient. You need to be relaxed". In an analysis of Michael Phelps phenomenal performance in Beijing, Rick notes that when Michael Phelps raced, his stroke count on each lap (i.e. the number of times his arms rotated through the water) remained the same. Faster turnover does not lead to faster swimming or running.

So the message of the day is to relax and enjoy the ride. You WILL "get there" faster and probably enjoy it a whole lot more.

Get that Baby in the Water

Elizabeth, age 1 month; age 2 months

Last Saturday, we had a great experience at our swim school. We hosted a four hour presentation from New Directions Institute on Infant Brain Development. It was awesome and challenging at the same time. Awesome because it ratified many of the things we believe infant swimming provides to a child. Challenging because it highlighted how quickly an infant's brain develops the internal connections that they will use for their lifetime. Do you realize that a child's brain grows 25% in their first year to 75% by their second year and 90% by age three? Think about that. Ninety percent (90%) of the inner workings of a child's brain are in place by age three! The New Directions presenters and material do support the theory that it is "never too late" to work with a child.....but their research also validates that the road is a lot bumpier.

What role does infant swimming play in infant brain development? The seminar ratified our belief that getting a baby in the water early allows them to further develop those internal brain connections that are stimulated by floating in the water or by having water run over their faces which stimulates nerve endings as well as their breath holding reflexes. There are many things you can do with your infant and water at home, including showering with them, letting your infant float on their back in the tub or simply pouring water over your child's head and shoulders.



Additionally, the bonding and skin to skin contact that comes when you bathe with your child or take them to a parent and me learn to swim class is fantastic. Here at the swim school many of our evening and Saturday classes are predominately dads and babies. What a great chance for dad to get some real quality time with their baby! We view the parent as the student so they are getting the skills to work with their baby at home in the tub or pool. Many times in my parenting days I found it hard to get that toddler to sit still on my lap but when we got in the water, it was a great time to learn together, and to communicate verbally and non-verbally. In the water they certainly paid attention to who was holding on to them!

From the New Directions website: New Directions Institutes suggest that you become mindful of each of the ABC's of Early Learning in order to interact more effectively with your child. ATTENTION. BONDING. COMMUNICATION. Of these three the most basic and influential effects are due to BONDING.

So whether you swim with your child or not - get in the tub or shower with them if a pool is not available. As they grow and become more comfortable you can get out of the tub and organize games for them that they can perfect in the tub on their own. For some on what to do at home ideas, check out this article written by my wife, Kathy. Other may find inspiration from marine wildlife. Recently, I was visiting one of my daughters and her three little girls and had the pleasure of watching them re-enact a seal show from Sea World that they had all seen. I got to experience three little girls sliding into their bathtub on their bellies over the edge, "swimming" across the bottom of the tub with their faces in the water, and climbing out and do it again. Yes, you get a very wet floor but what a great show!

Take a Different Perspective

Often times, especially as we raise our children, we fall back on old reasons for activities we have the children do. They ask "Why do I have to do that?" and parents answer, "because I told you so." In our swim school world, when a parent asks, "Why start swim lessons at such a young age?" we could list safety statistics about childhood drownings or breached barriers until the parents' eyes glaze over. And while all this information is pertinent and important, I choose another route.

When I get asked that question, I start talking about infant brain development and synaptic pathways in the child's brain that are stimulated and encouraged to grow by the child's exposure to the water and the decisions they have to make there. Learning to hold their breath and float, bilateral use of their arms and exposure to a fluid environment (that's not all that different from the womb) all benefit the infant and child. I want to let these parents know that by exposing their child to the water and a world that is fluid rather than hard like a floor, chair or a car seat carrier, they are giving them new sensations that help the child develop their brain's capacity for learning and decision making.

Why is this in my mind today?This weekend our team of teachers is participating in an awesome workshop on Infant Brain Development taught by the team at New Directions Institute. I am so excited to share their knowledge with our excellent staff of teachers. It is our hope to offer this material at a future seminar for our students' parents in the coming months.

Also, I have a friend in Australia who often shares jokes and motivational stories with me. I received the following parable from Ross and it got me thinking about making sure we take a different perspective on the world each day.

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.' There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'

The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.' What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.'

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative... Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness.... In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.'

Play Should be Fun - Are you Parenting or Coaching?

image courtesy of amazon.com

One of my favorite books is Once A Runner by John L. Parker. It is the fictional story of a collegiate runner, Quentin Cassidy, a senior at a mythical Southeastern University. It follows the evolution of his running as he moves from the slightly under achieving collegiate miler to someone who becomes engrossed in his pursuit of running a sub four (4) minute mile. It is just a great story, in my opinion. One that should be read by every high school athlete. The book is out of print and as a symbol of it's popularity you can find a paperback version on E-Bay for somewhere between eighty ($80) and two hundred ($200) dollars - yup, 200 bucks!

There is a passage in the book where Quentin and his girlfriend return to the house he shares with most of the members of the university track team. They are assembled in the backyard and one of the athletes is jumping over a Volkswagen and landing on a mattress while his friends cheer and scream. Now this is relatively easy for the high jumper so he is goofing around and just plain having fun with it. Quentin's girlfriend does not get the humor of the scene. Quentin remarks to her that often times elite athletes forget that they originally got engrossed in their sport because it was FUN. Surprise! They did not start running or high jumping or playing soccer or swimming because they saw it as way to earn a college scholarship or to make the Olympic team and earn billion of dollars. They did it because it was fun.

As a father of four collegiate athletes and one aspiring high school athlete, I have had the opportunity to be on the sidelines for thousands of hours of practice for swimming, gymnastics and soccer. Often times I am dismayed by the pressure I see parents placing on their children as they dissect each practice or game. A lot of research indicates that many children stop playing sports as they enter their teenage years because they are burned out in high school or before high school by the pressure of training and competition and PARENTAL expectations. So as you parent from the sidelines, I want to encourage you to leave the coaching and teaching to the kids' coaches and teachers, after making sure that their coach or their teacher has the athlete's welfare and long term future in mind - not short-term glory for the team. You should encourage and support your children, not coach them, and emphasize the fun aspects of what they are doing.

Now for the good news. Amazon lists Once A Runner as being reissued in April 2009. So you can try and get it on Ebay or have patience and wait until April. I have a copy but I am not telling you where it is kept!

All Hail Abby Wambach

Who, you might ask, is Abby Wambach? Why does she deserve our praise? For those of you who may not be fans of women's soccer, let me tell you a little about Abby Wambach. She was a leader and one of the best players on the U.S. team as they prepared for the Olympics in Beijing. In the team's last game before leaving for China, Abby was going for the ball and wound up colliding with a player from the opposing team. She fell and broke her left tibia and fibula, rendering her unable to play for about a year. So why do I care about an injured soccer player?

I actually saw the play live on television, and I think what came out of it is a lesson for athletes of all ages. After her spill, the team and trainers rushed over to her, but as she laid on the ground in pain, she did something remarkable: she gestured to them to calm down and take it easy as they approached her. Here is her description of the event:

“Some people have said that I looked calm on the field, but it really was only an acceptance of reality,” Wambach said. “I believe in my future and the future of the team. I know I’m an important player, but the injury has also made me realize how insignificant one player is in the team environment. It takes a team to win a championship.”

“I didn’t want to react on the field because I know what it takes to win a gold medal and I know one person isn’t going to be the answer,” she said. “I wanted to set an example for my teammates so they could see on my face that I know, whether I’m on the field or not, that they can win. I think that helped them accept the fact that I’m gone.”

Here is an athlete on the eve of the Olympics who suffers a major injury. Many people in her place would blame the coaches for holding the match, blame the opponent she collided with, blame anyone and anything they could in this unfortunate situation. Instead, Abby's first concern was not for herself of for placing blame, but it was for her teammates. Abby Wambach is the kind of athlete we need to hold up to our children as an example of dedication and commitment. What wisdom and poise from this young woman. So as you watch the USA's Womens Olympic team compete, win, lose or draw, think of Abby Wambach's example of sportsmanship for your children, and maybe even yourselves.

Sacrifices and Rewards of Parenting an Athlete

Sometimes I meet parents who are exasperated by ALL of the effort that raising children requires. You can see it in their eyes or hear it in their voices - they have that “I-never-realized-what-a-more-than-full-time-commitment-this-child-rearing-is” look about them. They've got the “we have no time for ourselves” woes. While I'm not sure I can offer any solace, or tell them it's going to get any easier, I will say that with the right attitude, your child rearing days are definitely worth the time and energy spent.

With eight kids spread over 18 years, the lives of myself and my spouse are totally consumed at times by schoolwork, athletic practice schedules, class projects, school performances and the kids’ social schedules. Naturally, our kids could not all go to the same schools or love the same sport. We have had children participate in soccer, swimming, and gymnastics, all at a high level and all at the same time. It sometimes required us to be in three different places each night. Even today it continues, as our youngest daughter had a 7:30am soccer try-out last Saturday and then a parent meeting to prepare for the upcoming season. I can think of a lot of places my spouse would have rather been on a beautiful Saturday morning than standing on a soccer field.

I strongly believe that parents need to find time to pursue their own interests and social schedule. I am a firm believer in “Date Nights” - but more about that in a future blog. Today, I want to focus on the rewards of parenting an athlete. With the spectacle of the Olympics dominating our television screens, it gives us a chance to reflect on how much support each of these athletes receive from their parents and family members over the course of their lives. The television commentators are continually showing the faces of proud parents sitting on the sidelines. How did these athletes reach this pinnacle of success?

Certainly, the athlete starts with a great internal desire and love for the sport they are playing. But we have to realize that they were also nurtured and supported emotionally and financially by many others, most often family members. Now, let me be clear, am I saying this level of parental commitment is worth it only if your child can reach the Olympic level? Absolutely not!

The person in our family who came closest to the Olympics was my spouse, Kathy, when she competed in the swimming Olympic Trials, placing 13th. Our older kids and their spouses all excelled in athletics at the high school and collegiate level. Today they are great parents, spouses and leaders in their chosen fields of business, and I believe their participation in athletics is a factor in their successes. The discipline, leadership skills and self-confidence they learned on the athletic field are never far from the surface. The support they received from us, their parents, as they pursued their athletic dreams also shapes how they are raise their own children.

So as you drive your children to that weekly or daily athletic practice, music lesson, or Kumon, or swim lessons, think of it as fertilizer. You are nurturing your child's future by your commitment to their growth and development. People have asked us over the years. "How do you drive to so many practices at such terrible times of day all over the state?" After much soul-searching, Kathy and I have come up with this answer: If we really thought about it or tried to do what was logical or reasonable, our kids would have never played at club level sports. You just do it. You just get up and drive and schedule and get the kids there and get them fed and don't whine about it. Find a good book for the sidelines, feed the other child on a blanket by the field or take a walk with the baby strapped on your back while practice happens!

Kathy has a cousin who shares a thought of the day, everyday. Here is today’s story from Cousin Billy K, and the inspiration for today's blog:

At the 1924 Paris Olympic Games, Bill Havens was a member of the United States canoe team. As the Olympics neared, Bill realized that his wife would give birth to their first child about the time that he would be competing in the Olympic Games. Bill had a dilemma - should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife's side when their baby was born....or should he withdraw from the USA team and remain with his family?

Bill's wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, competing in the Olympics was his life-long dream. Bill felt conflicted but, after much soul-searching, decided to withdraw from the Olympics and stay at home to support his wife when their baby was born. Being at his wife's side during the birth of their new baby was now his highest priority - even higher than going to the Olympics.

The USA canoe team won the gold medal in Paris. Bill's wife was so late in giving birth to their first child that Bill could have competed in the Olympics and returned home in time to be with her when she gave birth. People thought, "What a shame." But Bill had no regrets. For the rest of his life, he knew he had made the right decision by putting his family first.

Twenty-eight years later, Bill received a cablegram from his son Frank who was competing in the 1952 Olympics in Helsinki, Finland. The cablegram read: "Dad, I won. I'm bringing home the gold medal you lost while waiting for me to be born."

Frank had won the canoeing gold medal his father gave up so he could be there when Frank to be born. Both father and son were Olympic champions of the heart.

So as you parent in the days and weeks and years to come remember Bill Havens who planted seeds of dedication and effort in 1924 that bore Olympic Gold in 1952!

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

do you 'hover' over your kids too much?

I received the following inquiry after one of our initial blogs:

I am a Mom of a boy who is 3 ½ and a daughter who just turned 2. I have a recent struggle in my parenting in that I think that I might be doing my kids a great disservice by playing and interacting with them so much. I just love to play with them - that's what I do to engage them. I have been a day camp counselor, ski instructor, led teenage mountain bike trips, etc. So, when I finally had my own kids, I wanted to really be present with them and spend quality time with them. For example, I once told my husband that I saw another Mom bring a book to the park and just sit and read, or that I see other Moms chat and leave their kids to do their own thing. I am always the Mom running around the playground chasing all the kids or playing games with them. My concern is that my kids are so attached to me that they rarely (if ever) leave my side and always want me to play with them.

Wow, what a hot button question for a parent. Wikipedia defines this type of parental behavior as a that of a helicopter parent. Constantly hovering above their child to make sure they are behaving appropriately or are protected from all of the world's dangers and that everyone plays fair or has a equal chance to participate in every activity. In a previous blog, I talked about parents who give their children too many choices. Now we can talk about letting your kids practice new play or communication skills or even to fall down or fail at something. What do I mean fail? Well let's start by saying we need to teach them how to create their own skills, how to play with others, or how to learn how to lose ..... on the playground or in competition.

We have parents call us to discuss our summer sports camps and they inquire if we play competitive games. We answer with enthusiasm, "You Bet!" We believe in healthy competition. It teaches athletes how to win and how to lose. Don't tell anybody, but at camp, the most popular game is dodgeball, a game where you get hit by a flying object and have to sit out until one team wins.

Many parents today are trying to over-structure and control the world in which their child will be operating. I recently received a phone call from a gentleman who introduced himself and said he was calling for his son who had recently graduated from high school and was working this summer at a local city pool as a lifeguard. His son is going to be attending a local junior college and dad (yes, dad!) wanted to know if we were hiring for our winter teaching staff. My first reaction was to tell dad to have his son call me and we would begin the conversation. I realize this young man may be an excellent lifeguard and swim instructor, and just because his dad is hovering and will not let the parent strings detach, I shouldn't hold it against the young man. Are you that dad or mother?

At seventeen years of age, I left home for a college 600 miles away that I had only seen in pictures. I spoke to my parents once a week from the hallway pay phone and began to experience life on my own, far away from the protection of my parent's household. Did I make some mistakes? Certainly, but those experiences helped me to learn and grow and make better decisions. I don't tell my kids, nor did I tell my parents until many years later, that I hitch-hiked from college to Ft. Lauderdale some eleven hundred miles in January of my sophomore year for spring break.

Honestly, I'm not sure that you are the textbook helicopter parent, but I would encourage you to let the reins go and let your kids interact with others and on their own. Let your kids learn how to negotiate with a more aggressive child who is dominating the playground or swing set. Let them play with the other kids while you sit back and chat with the other moms, or become one of those moms who catches up on her reading while her kids play. If your kids fall down - let them get up. If they look at you - give them a thumbs up and go back to reading your book, or just hold the other parent down and say "he'll be fine."

And if you need a recommendation for a good book to read while sitting on a park bench, I've got my recommended reading list coming in a future blog, so keep checking back.

Parenting with Kindness

We have a bulletin board at the swim school where we share some of the funny things we hear, or emails we receive from various sources. The phrases below made me reflect on my parenting skills. Actually, initially they made me laugh, and then I realized that I have used almost all of them in my 34 years of parenting. Results have varied in effectiveness.

Do you find yourself using any of the following?

My parents taught me to appreciate a job well done:
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just cleaned the house.

My parents taught me religion:
You better pray that will come out of the carpet!

My parents taught me about time travel:
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My parents taught me logic:
Because I said so, that's why!

My parents taught me more logic:
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

My parents taught me foresight:
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My parents taught me irony:
Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!

My parents taught me about contortionism:
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

My parents taught me about stamina:
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!

My parents taught me about hypocrisy:
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

My parents taught me about the circle of life:
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My parents taught me about envy:
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!

My parents taught me about anticipation:
Just wait until your father gets home.

My parents taught me about humor:
When the lawn mower cuts of your toes, don't come running to me.

And my favorite: my parents taught me about justice:
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

So when you find yourself repeating your own parents' logic back to your kids, smile and remember how quickly you rejected it when you were on the receiving end. Ask yourself why your kids should react any differently than you did. Can you be part of the change and approach your kids and their behavioral issues in a different way? When they spill juice while pouring from a pitcher into a cup can you reward their efforts in learning how to pour rather than criticizing them for not asking for help? (Thanks Bruce Sullivan)When they come home with 2 A's, 2 B's and a C, can you spend 80% of the time focusing on the positive reality of the A's and B's, and only 20% (or less) focusing on the C? Marcus Buckingham, author of "Go to Your Strengths" emphasizes the benefits of focusing on improving the talents with which you are blessed and working around the skills that you do not have. But more on that in a later blog.

So don't give your kids too much verbal ammunition to attack you (or their own kids) with in the future. If you have a choice in responding with criticism or kindness, be kind and your kids will blossom into their fullest potential.

You're Never too Old

Kathy and I with all of the grandkids...two more on the way!

Dear Bob,

As an older father (50) of two young boys (9 & 7), I am constantly seeking advice and pointers. Any suggestions on staying 'young' for my kids?

Respectfully,
Steve


Dear Steve -

As a 56-year-old father of two 14-year-olds and a grandfather to seven kids under 7, my advice to you would be to stay healthy and fight to be engaged in what interests your kids as they grow. In my forties, I went to heavy metal concerts with my then 16-year-old. Last month i attended a Jimmy Eat World concert with them as well.

When my 14-year-old daughter had soccer practice last Monday, I walked and ran for 45 minutes to keep me fit, rather than simply sitting on the sidelines and watching. Last Sunday I I spent an enjoyable two hours with my teens at the "Grossology" exhibit at the Arizona Science Center, learning about where "snot and farts and poo" come from (the museum's preferred terminology, not my own). Bending over to smell different body odors made my kids laught at me.

I have found that having kids at my age has given me permission to slow down and enjoy them sometimes more than when my older kids were growing up. I manage my time better and can spend it with them. They certainly help to keep my wife and I young.

Good luck,
Bob

Give your kids options, not control

Occasionally, as I wander through our lobby I hear parents engaged in conversation with our staff regarding the various swim lesson or sports camp programs we offer. The parent dutifully runs through the litany of appropriate questions relating to our group sizes, the training of our staff members, the duration of the program and the pricing. And then a large percentage of them make, in my mind, a huge mistake: they turn to their three year old potential swimmer and say those dreaded words,"Honey, would you like to take swim lessons here?"

Aghhh! Who is the parent here?

Pragmatically, what the parent is doing is giving the child total control of the situation. The parent has already made a decision to come and enroll the child in swim lessons or sports camp, and rightly so – they are the parent. Their adult human brain can weigh the pros and cons of the situation better than the mind of a child who believes that eating green vegetables might kill them and that a bear-like monster lives under the bed. So the parent, showing care and concern for the well-being and development of their offspring, has elected to enroll their child in an activity that will have positive benefits. Good job mom and dad, nicely done.

However, many parents then sabotage themselves by giving their child the choice to go along with their parentally-driven, well-made, carefully considered plans. This scene makes me wonder if they let their kids make other decisions as well. "Hey Johnny, would you like to go the doctor's office today? He's going to stick various devices in your ears and nose, and then give you a couple of shots. Sound good?" I can only imagine Johnny's response.

Let's examine the two potential answers to that open-ended question of "Do you want to do _____?" Answer number one is great when the child responds "Yes." Goal of the parent is achieved, we all move on and everyone is happy.

Answer number two - "no." Now the parent has two options, neither very appealing. Option one - tell the child, "Well, I didn't really want your opinion; we're registering you for swim lessons anyway." That undermines the parent-child communication pretty significantly and has huge tantrum-starting potential. Option two - accept the child's answer and walk out the door or hang up the phone. Congratulations, you have just abdicated all parenting responsibilities and let your three year old control their (and your) own life.

My recommendation is for the parent to make the decision that the child is going to participate in an activity and then allow the child to make a decision about how they will participate. Examine the activity for it's appropriateness for their child as to environment, curriculum and price. Tell the child with enthusiasm that you have made the decision to enroll them in swim lessons, for example, and find a positive reason to do so.

If you feel compelled to offer your child a role in the decision-making, let them make decisions about the options surrounding their activity. Let them choose the time of day they are swimming - i.e. in the morning with one parent or perhaps in the evening with another. Ask "either/or" rather than "yes/no" questions. For example, in our swim classes, we offer kids choices on how to do something ("would you like to kick with a kickboard or a noodle?") but not the choice of whether to do it or not ("would you like to do kicks?").

When my own kids were growing up, we offered them the opportunity to choose the sport they wished to participate in each season. They knew they had to play a sport – that was not a decision they were involved in, but they were involved in choosing their sport. They picked from an appropriate list of options - i.e. a sport we could get them to practice for, one we could afford and one that was not in conflict with another siblings practice schedule. Two goals were achieved: the children knew they would be participating in a sport and they had some choice in the matter.

My youngest son wanted to play ice hockey. We responded with enthusiasm and as he did his research we asked him whether he wanted to attend 5:30 am practice two or three days per week. Suddenly afternoon basketball practice was so much more appealing to him.

My advice is this - do not abdicate your role as parents. You are in a position to make choices for your children because of your experience, knowledge and concern for their well-being. But heed this advice my kids gave me on Father's Day – "be nice to you kids – one day they'll choose your nursing home."

Can TV influence obesity or intellectual ability in children?

The number of young children with televisions in their bedrooms has increased, according to research by the Independent Television Commission. More than one third of children under the age of four, thirty-six (36) percent have a television in their bedroom, with fourteen (14) percent having a video recorder as well.

In a March 2008 article by Tara Parker-Pope, the NY Times reported in their Health Section that children with televisions in their bedroom score lower on school tests and are more likely to have sleep problems. Television is also strongly associated with being overweight and places the child at a higher risk of smoking. Research also indicates that children with televisions in their bedrooms spent less time reading.

A 2005 study in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine is quoted relating to a year long study of 400 children in six northern California schools relating to their television, computer and video game habits. Seventy (70) percent had their own TV in their bedroom. These children “scored significantly and consistently lower on math, reading and language-arts tests.” A study in Pediatrics is quoted as showing that kindergartners with TVs in their bedrooms had more sleep problems.

I know there are many informative shows on television, even shows that report on this alarming trend. Yet our children’s television viewing habits are increasing.

The average child in the United States spends about 25 hours a week in front of the television, according to the latest annual "Media in the Home" survey, conducted by the Annenberg Public Policy Center. A statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics includes the following language:

Pediatricians should recommend the following guidelines for parents:

1. Limit children's total media time (with entertainment media) to no more than 1 to 2 hours of quality programming per day.
2. Remove television sets from children's bedrooms.
3. Discourage television viewing for children younger than 2 years, and encourage more interactive activities that will promote proper brain development, such as talking, playing, singing, and reading together.

So get the kids off the couch and out in the yard, or might I so boldly suggest swimming.

Maybe Your Child Is Not Gifted (And maybe that’s not a bad thing)

As a parent of 8 very different children, and as the oldest of seven siblings, I find the mix of abilities among my children, brothers and sisters to be fascinating. Some of us are smarter in areas of reading and writing. Some are smarter in the fields of science. Some are just better athletes. I am a fair athlete and voracious reader, but I have to call my oldest son and daughter-in-law for mechanical help. I love music but had to call another son-in-law for help hooking up the stereo.

What’s my point? In my business, with its focus on the physical, emotional and social development ofchildren, I meet parents all the time who are stressing about their three year old child’s performance in play group, swim lessons, reading or music. I am also periodically informed that there is a problem with one of “our” staff members, structure or curriculum, when a child is not progressing as fast as another child or as fast as the parent would like. Occasionally, I have been informed that a certain child is “gifted,” and therefore the parent wants to know what we are going to change in our system to better meet the needs of this child.

Newsweek carried a great commentary from Kathleen Deveney in their January 14, 2008 issue titled "They’re No Baby Einsteins." She eloquently portrays the travails of the parent who feels they must compete for entry in private schools starting at the age of 2. Additionally, she highlights the increased expectations placed on children by parents who have bought into the hype “that gifted kids could be created through intelligence-enhancing parenting techniques.”

My opinion? Each of our children is as different as are we. That is what makes the world fascinating. So sit back and let your child fail occasionally. Pick a sport or activity where you know they will not excel. Let them learn through adversity. Do not protect them from struggling by making excuses. Maybe they are not meant to read "Grapes of Wrath" as a five year old. Maybe they are not meant to be at the top of their pre-school class. Maybe they will not be the team captain. As Kathleen Deveny says: “And while it would be nice if my child turns out to be gifted, it would be even better if she turned out to be kind, confident and happy.”

I am thinking the world would be a much better place if more adults were kind, confident and happy.

Pick That Kid Up

As I wander through life, one of the things that surprises me is the number of very attentive and involved parents who leave their children in portable plastic infant carriers all day long. Walking down the street I see parents who look like they might be permanently disfigured by hooking the handle of the child carrier in the crook of their elbow and struggling to carry their toddler safely encased in his carrier. I see parents take the removable carrier/car seat from the car, transfer it to the stroller and roll the kid 15 feet into older sister’s ballet, martial arts or swim class where they leave them in the carrier for the entire duration of the class. How about the parent who is sitting somewhere with a child in the carrier, holding a bottle while the child eats? To me, there’s something wrong with this picture.

What happened to holding your child or carrying them in your arms? Or letting them crawl around on the floor in a public place? We seem to live in an era of anti-bacterial lotions and gels, where parents are afraid to let their kids crawl around, get dirty, or fall down. What are we so afraid of? And what does that say about someone like me, who still believes in the five second rule when a piece of food is dropped on the floor?

The other night I was at a grade school play with two of my grandkids. As the play went on and on (as these things do), the three year old wandered off from next to me, laid on the linoleum and started an impressive floor routine involving snow angels and spins. From the expression of the other parents and kids, you would have thought they had never seen a child play in an unstructured manner before. They laughed and smiled at his uninhibited joy in the freedom he was experiencing.

So what are infants missing out on when they’re strapped in their car seat all day long? First, there’s the issue of proper vision development. As an infant’s eye sight develops, their ability to detect colors, focus, track motion, and discern depth improve with exposure to stimulation. If they’re strapped in a carrier, the infant’s frame of reference is the white ceiling of the grocery store, swim school or dance studio rather than the vibrant colors of mom’s blouse or the warmth of dad’s smile. University of Massachusetts Medical School stresses the importance of visual stimulation for proper eye development. I have spoken to multiple physicians who have expressed concern for vision issues this practice can cause later in life. Even a variety of interactive toys hanging within reach can’t compare to the eye contact an infant receives from being close to your face, or the positive feedback in seeing your eyes dance or smile.

And what about the lack of tactile stimulation? Yes, when you hold an infant, they squirm and wiggle, and can be a bit of a pain. But think about the muscles they are developing by holding their heads up or trying to push away from you. Consider the understanding of texture and shape they get from touching different things. Outside of their carriers, infants are open to so many more simple experiences that can greatly impact their development. They can also move around, get dirty, and even fall down – additional experiences which teach lessons and influence development.

So do your child a huge favor and pick them up. Think of it as expanding their physical and intellectual development and exposing them to life outside the confines of their carrier.